Back to square one

I am back to square one with enormous amount of confusion, guilt, self-loathing, and loneliness.  I again have started feeling like I am a misfit in this world.  Nothing I say or do makes sense. Nobody likes to listen to me and nor do they have faith in me.  My wife seems like my only saving grace.  Perhaps the only who knows I have deep scars.  Scars that seem beyond repair.  I kept them latent for a very long time...about 20 or so years.  Now that I cannot take it anymore...now that I feel the need to speak out my real emotions...it seems like I only hurt others.  I feel bad for my mother who seems too weak to take all this.  Why am I subjecting her to this after all those years of her torment because of my father's uncontrolled anger.  I am on the verge of giving up on all of this.  I do not know how or when.   

Life and Love

Leaving the surity of harsh winter of the northern plains
Life has shifted to the unpredictable weather of the southern plains
And so has shifted my daily routine
I still do not witness the dawn
and only sometimes I get to see the dusk
but now I have the joy and the sorrow
of the privacy and the confinement of a cubicle
all day long, five days a week

Yes, life has changed, for better or worse
I do not know, but I do know
that now I dream a lot less, and
I am not nearly as restless, but
I notice the eyes of a woman, which
are as beautiful as an eclipsed sun
as naughty as a puppy on the run
and at times as watery as an ocean

Life has turned, upside down or downside up
I am not sure, but I can now usurp
the warm silkiness of a woman's embrace
on a silvery moonlit mild winter night
at a small distance from a crowd in sight
with fireworks decorating the sky in delight
policemen regulating traffic in a way so trite
and a teenage girl glancing,however so slight

Life has picked up such a pace
It feels like I have left the race
for I remain peacefully lost in thoughts
of a woman who says the most magical things
whose hair goes wild when it swings, and
fills the air with the sweetest smell
of love, care, attention, and thrill.

Black

The color of night outside is scary
The same color on me looks hairy
The same color marks on the seat looks dirty
while on the face of a kid looks naughty
scars of that color indicates pain
and on the body of a blackbuck is so mundane
But, oh my love when you wear that black dress
I can feel no fear, no stress, no harness
for you become the most enchanting seductress.

My love

I get lost in the intoxicating smell of your hair
I start dreaming when I look into your eyes
I am warm when I can feel your breath
I feel fresh when I touch your lips
I find comfort in the valley of your bosom
I can sleep sound when I rest in your lap

You fear nothing for you had everything
You lack nothing for you can do anything
You hate nothing for everything is relative
You hear nothing when you know it is wrong
You say nothing when you are hurt
You seek nothing for you understand the void

There is nothing I can say
That can describe you my love
And so I resort to silence
And close my eyes
And feel through my quiet sense
The joy of being in your presence

White

O so white, the flurries falling from the space above
dislodged from white, settling on white
showing off its bitterly cold might
saying that I allow you to walk now, you foolish man
but come again a day later if you can
and I shall knock your feet off the ground
you will get hurt but laugh at the falling sound.

Look all you want at the silent white from inside
But, you won't have the courage to step outside
Your shoes will fail, your ears will hurt
and you will notice how much white can cut
You may have associated white with peace, serenity, tranquility
But come harsh winter, white becomes guilty
of creating havoc in a place which was peaceful before.

Stagnation

The depression across the concrete path to my apartment is a worry,
when it rains.
I look at the stagnant water and sometimes take minutes to figure out my final move.
Should I walk through the puddle and let my slippers and feet get wet, or
should I jump over it?
Jumping over the stagnant water has been the most popular choice.
Much like bypassing a silly thought or a not so silly desire,
which seemed hard to be fulfilled.

no pain no gain

Pain cannot be endured any more
But, there seems to be no cure
The thought that it will transform
Into something more pleasant form
Now seems a distant possibility
No pain no gain is nothing but
A mere lack of plausibility